Eating Healthy

I’ve been stressed out and having issues losing weight. No matter how often i drink diet drinks or put on my fat blasting ab belt, the only 6-pack I possess is in beer form.
My friends have recommended I try a different sort of diet, perhaps a “Vegan-only” diet.
Like any health conscious person I headed to the organic food market, where I immediately began looking for the “Vegan” section. After wandering around for what felt like an eternity, I found that rare person in a food market shirt that wasn’t preoccupied with stacking shelves or frantically looking for a $2 loaf of bread that rang up $5.
Please note, I AM hypoglycemic. If I do not consume enough calories to fool my body into thinking I’m not stranded on a deserted island for the day, I will start to shut down. This happens in phases. First I feel weak, light headed and muddled – nothing big – i just start to mumble and shuffle around like a zombie. Usually a large mocha is enough to bring life back to normal for a few hours. Next is stomach gurgling, splitting headaches and light-sensitivity that cause me to seek out a dank dark corner to hide from the accursed florescent lighting. I actually hiss when I do this, not so much because I prefer dark cold places, like dungeons, basements and coffins, but because I have a splitting headache and am in desperate need of pain killers. After a while of sitting in my dark, cold corner with my palms pressed firmly against my eyeballs and hissing, I start feeling cold and sleepy.. eventually I will pass out wherever I happen to be.
Anyway I was well into the first stage when I directed my question at the store clerk – “Food? Vegan?”

The clerk, also in a zombi-fied state from working a thankless job on their feet for the last 10 hours, pointed me to the produce section.

I was staring at cucumbers, bananas and peppers, unable to find any food labeled “Vegan”.  I assumed that if one was on a “Vegan-only” diet, then one would only eat “Vegans”, but none were to be found. Eventually I asked one of the other befuddled humans wandering the produce section if they had seen the “Vegans”. This led to a very long and boring conversation about how their friends were Vegans and they like anything with eggplant.

I was horrified. “Vegans” are people??? So on a “Vegan-only” diet, I would eat people? How could my friends possibly recommend that I become a cannibal? I sized up the fellow human with the Vegan friends, and it occurred to me that it was possible that Vegans may not be people, but some kind of animal that is fond of eggplant. It also occurred to me that this person was probably some kind if cat-lady person that happened to prefer Vegans over cats or puppies. But if that were true, then Vegans would have to be delicious, since they prefer vegetables to anything else.

I have yet to find a Vegan for sale – alive or otherwise, perhaps they are something only exotic pet owners get. I’m sure they are on the endangered list, so it probably isn’t legal to eat them anyway.

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